the sounds, smells and rhythm of this place negate all normal thought. I am constantly surprised that they are not hearing me. They do not understand that I am not sick that way...I am not anorexic, just too thin and have been missing too many meals. Bleeding heart...

Can a page be filled? Can my page ever truly be full? I once was able to fill the page. My page. What inspires me? Why can't I be some place good? What is it going to take to allow me in the place? Is it a person or is it myself that keeps from finding this place? Does it seem strange that I cannot find a place in my life that can be found.

The Land of Stipulations

Free, free at last...In the land of the living...again. It looks like I will be embracing my imperfections rather than looking upon them with disdain. slept through group. It was a good rest. Today will be better. Slept a bit last night now what could get me out of here and home...To be happy and gone or is it not be too sad. Where is everyone? Is life fair? Can there be an absolute? Where is it? Is this something that can truly be obtained? Or is it something that must be found. Or a state of mind? I don't have the answers. Will I ever? That is what I want to know...Melancholy baby

My life is a country and western song!

My husband left me, my dog got run over by a car, my house burned down and someone called me grandma the other day. All sad but true...

Lips...lips that consume you...

I am being wooed by a golden god...actually, a mere mortal in an Adonis like body. He is insensitive, beautiful, intense, driven, but makes me laugh and gives quite possibly the most incredible kisses on the planet. All of the other things pale by comparison. I believe in a great kiss. His soft, passionate kisses are amazing. The first time he kissed me goodnight I almost swooned. I was unable to speak and had quite a difficult time saying goodnight. God bless a man that knows the power of a great kiss. Long, hot, wet kisses...Damn!

My only vice...

I am considering this for the cover for my book.

I really like the way my feet look in this shot. I am pretty sure this will be the cover for my book...maybe not if it's too expensive. Perhaps just something for my own pleasure. It encapsulates all that is me...well at least some of me! I find that some of my most inpromtu shots end up being my favorites. I am sure I was having another sleepless night, finding my camera and my creative juices flowing at the same time it all seemed so logical. I gave a copy to my mom and she digs it. Although when most people run across it, they find it odd and wonder what it is of...how silly they must find my wicked sense of humor. All the more reason why I love being me!

A rose by any other name...is Bernadette

My mother is a cancer survivor...she was extremely ill and we really didn't expect her to make it so anything she wanted was okay with us...So when she expressed a wish to be called Rose instead of Bernadette it seemed like a reasonable request...as of that moment she became known as Rose. This particular rose is one that my son gave me the night he graduated from high school. It was a beautiful rose and stayed that way for some time. Each day I would rise with the scent of this rose wafting through my bedroom, my eyes would find this rose, I would smile and know I am lucky to have my mom. She is a pain in butt and quite dramatic...a challenge that requires so much of me that I sometimes forget that we are lucky to still have her...instead of cursing and wishing she would stop being such a brat! So the next time you see a beautiful rose...think of your mother and how nice it is to have had her in your life. I think I will go buy her one of her favorite salads, sit with her and watch one of those terrible shows that she loves and if only for a moment know I have her all to myself .

Waiting for a plane Vegas style...

Not one of my prouder moments...I am stretched out waiting to board my flight leaving Vegas last April. It was was an amazing trip and at the same time a very painful experience. I like many before me had done a little drinking and it turned out to be a life lesson. I had met my pal from New Mexico in Vegas. She is the most amazing person I have ever met. She and I became friends after meeting a New Years Eve in Santa Fe many years ago. I had some luck at the slots the previous October so the Grand likes me now and offers me suites, food and money to gamble. Anyway, Carol and I had gone to see my friend Tommy Castro perform at one of the local casinos and apparently I had developed a taste for Patron Tequila...I am not a drinker by trade and with the help of the bartender who had been serving doubles instead of single shots kicked my ass. One minute I am talking to Tommy, saying my goodbyes and the next I am unconscious, requiring an ambulance and from what I hear a stomach pump. How humiliated I was as I crossed the lobby of the Grand in paper clothes and slipper socks. It was suffering that no one should ever know. So we get to the room and don't have a key. I call the lobby and ask security to let me in. They arrive and I am sprawled out in the hallway. As the women unlocks the doors I crawl in on my hands and knees. Man what a kick in the pants that was. I had given up booze about twenty years before. Then for some odd reason thought it sounded like a good idea again. So after trying it again after twenty years I realized that I am not a drinker and thank goodness I was with someone who cared because I am pretty sure I would not have made it through the night without intervention. The next afternoon we are at the airport and her flight leaves earlier than mine so I wait...suffering in silence until I can check my bags and make my way to the gate to head home a whipped puppy and ashamed at my lack of ability to control my actions and my consumption of the dreaded tequila! Looks like it will be another half a century before I try something like that again. Make that a century! Anyway, I arrive safely and proceed to share my tale with the fam...After a couple of days a friend of a friend is hearing the tale and he says, "Wait I have heard this...". The response is no, this was Lisa Jo in Vegas. The friend repeats the tale with great accuracy. The horror of it all is the "What happens in Vegas, apparently does not stay in Vegas!" Seems like some old friends traveling from California were staying at the Grand and heard the story around the hotel. How proud I am of this...NOT! What a nightmare! It sealed my fate and my conviction that I shall never drink again. Actually, never really enjoyed the ceremony of it all, so I shall save that for the more tolerant folks and resort to humor and a great meal to satisfy my soul...

Lil...

Have I mentioned that I am about to become a grandmother for the sixth time? Yes, this is my beauty Lillian. She is still surviving the morning sickness and all that goes with that aspect of pregnancy. This picture was I think her junior year in high school. She is completely annoyed with the fact that she was the subject for yet another picture I was taking. She and I had some rather turbulent times through her teenage years, but couldn't be more close now. The first moment our eyes met the afternoon she was born, it was apparent we had a connection I hadn't experienced with any of my other children. She has always been a logical child. Even as a toddler she was always sure of what she wanted to be when she grew up...a maid or a gas station attendant. How hilarious! My Lillian...my beauty Lillian. I'll call her today and ask if despite it all has she remained true to her original plan to grow up and become one of the two.

Semper Fi

Here I am with my sons, all of whom are Marines. I have spent many restless nights and days worrying about their safety and through it all I have remained clear on one thing. That is, that you must support your children in whatever positive avenues they chose in life. The amazing thing about the Marine Corps is the unmistakable transformation that each and everyone of them go through from the moment they decide to join the service until the day they graduate basic training. You see your sons who will always and forever be your children, but after the training they emerge these strong, willful individuals you hardly recognize. They are no longer your little boys that have spent endless nights playing ball, laughing, having fun with their familly and friends, trying to beat the next level of whatever video game they are challenging or waiting for you to come rub their backs while saying their prayers, give them a kiss good night...tell them you love them for the last time of the day and as you leave their room you look back and smile, turn off the light and to yourself you say a prayer to keep them safe. They no longer answer with long annoyed tones, "Mam"...they are tall and intense...they are strong and confident...they are men. They come to you with smiles you have seen thousands of times, but with a new strength...a new brand of character. They are Marines. I promise you will never be prepared for this transformation, but at the same time could not be more proud. With watery eyes you look on as they march across the parade deck with a sureness that you have never seen before and you know from that moment their world has changed, they will never be the silly little boys that on some level you wish they would stay so you can protect them. You know they are about to embark on a new world filled with many things, peril comes to mind. You only want the best for your children, you always have, but you know it is time for them to shine...all you can do as a parent is know they love you and let them go. I do not agree with this war...I have been told by friends this is not a war, but I know in my heart with each life that is lost...with each moment of suffering this is a war and there is no turning back. Please say a prayer for my sons and for every man and women who is serving their country in the way they see fit.

My regards...

the sun also sets

For what seems like forever I have dug sunsets. I mean how can you possibly improve on such beauty. I call it the sun's love dance. Each afternoon I would be doing my afternoon walk and as the sky would "go pink" I would jump in my car and drive to this amazing location to watch the sunset. Always amazed at how the people that would pass me day after day not at least wonder why or for what I was doing there. Their only concern would be to get a few more holes on the course or to make it to Walmart before dinner. Never even giving notice to the beauty that was being played out for me each night. I cannot express to you the place that each and every night I would be transported to by just being privey(sp) to such a wonderment...