Heavy sigh...

I have been blessed by the fact that both of my parents are still alive. For that and every day I have them, I am eternally grateful. For now I am caring for my mother. She is a real pain in the ass! Until today, I have been okay with the situation, but have never embraced it. Today as I guided her down the hall to have an MRI done I just felt sorry for her. I realized that moment that I have been looking at things all wrong. For one she would rather be dead than to need the help of me or anyone for that matter to get around. she no longer drives and feels so helpless at times. I am busy with work and a modest personal life. I realized that instead of dreading her whining, grunting and snoring as she rests in the chair in the living room I should embrace the experience and make the best of the time I have with her. So today I have chosen a new view and decided it is time for us both to be happy. I am truly happy being a good person. I enjoy being nice to people and doing what I can for most anyone. After I finish this I am going to the local college and registering for a couple of classes. I am sure there might be other places I would rather be at this time, but I am not. So in an effort to get happy and find contentment I will be more creative and allow myself to not have limitations...I shall have goals and a more fearless approach to life. Perhaps all I was lacking was myself.

chemically altered.

As anyone that has seen my blog knows I have been through some trying times in the last few years. The fact that despite the time that has passed I am still affected by many of these events. I gave a friend some advice many years ago and until now never realized it applied to me. She lost her daughter to cancer many years ago. Donielle was 19 at the time and her heart. Around the same time she was caring for her daughter while she was ill met a man that seemed to be her salvation, but in reality he was a control freak that until now no one realized what a sick bastard this guy really is. Anyway...she has spent the last few years fucked up...pot and many worse things that I will not share, but I am sure you have a general idea what I am speaking of. So she has never truly dealt with the loss because she has been on some sort of chemical the entire time. My analogy was this...if you broke your arm it would hurt...you could take pain medication to ease the pain, but it would still be broken. She has done the same with the drugs. She says she needs it, that with all she has been through she "needs" it. Bullshit! The reason she will never be able to deal with the loss and the pain is because she has never truly addressed the issue without being chemically altered. I wish she could understand why this is. So enough already about that. I know now that the reason I still pine for that s.o.b. is because of the prescription medication I stayed on for a number of years I never truly dealt with the pain and loss myself. only thought I did...Amazing how easy it is for you to see someone elses solutions but are unable to help yourself.

Blues Man Extraordinaire...

One of the many adventures from 2005 was a trip to New Jersey to see Tommy Castro. He is the most soulful and talented man. His music sends me to a place I have never been before . To see him perform is nothing short of genius. His passion is unmistakable...the music pours from his fingertips and his songs, well they just ROCK!!

I adore his music and always will.

Mutha Fucka please...

Could you be any more luscious! I am sorry, but I think I may print this out and rub it all over my naked body! Don't get nervous. I just don't care...some time you just have to say what the fuck!

Rock on Tommy Castro!

insanity reigns supreme

You know I talk a good game, but in reality my life is not what I'd like it to be. My family are savages and the misery I have to endure can be overwhelming at times. I dont expect you to care...I would do anything to have my old life back. To be honest I lost everything when I was ill. I never said that to anyone. Just forget I said it, okay? I needed to say it to someone. I swear I try so fucking hard to find the good. It is a bit much at times. Too much. Your music takes me to a good place...it has been the one thing that has been there for me through the last few years.



For unloading the emotional baggage. I was so distraught. Imagine
someone coming into your home to get a gun to kill himself. My brother who
has major problems did just that the other night. Confirmation as to why
I dont believe in guns in the home. I came for a visit to see my 70
year old mother in Sept. Just for the weekend...things were so bad I
couldnt leave. I have been gone from here for twenty five years for a
reason. Its awful! I refused to raise my children around this madness...no
longer can I escape such an existance for it is mine. If it werent for
the gym and the few friends that dont partake...my one pleasure in
life is music. What a magical journey! Thanks

Sweet dreams...

I had the most wonderful dream...it was about the baby. She had dark hair and she sang like an angel. Avi Maria...My dad was young and she loved him. She was so tiny...I would swoop her up and she would laugh as I would dance around the room. I woke up so happy.

written word...

I often wonder how a captive person becomes a champion for their captors...Stockholm Syndrome...I was, am this person. No, I was not held captive in a cave or basement. I was not chained some where, but allowed myself to become mentally captive. I never realized this until one afternoon while talking to the nicest woman. I was selling her a fountain pen and I shyly mentioned I was a writer. Her eyes lit up, I then said I was never formerly trained. I had been through some turbulent times and found putting my thoughts to paper had become my outlet, my way of expressing my feelings of rage, fear, love, sadness, misery, passion. Downright amazing the freedom that exists between you and a piece of paper. My life through words is an amazing journey. This was a journey that was not always available to me. It was after my breakdown that the written word became my friend, my ally and my confidant, because I had no one that could possibly know my thoughts...I was too far gone. Hoping to never return to the place I had so hastily left. But somewhere in my journey to hell and back I realized you did not have to return to the place you had left so abruptly. Perhaps it was possible to return to a better place. You, through your mind and immense power that is wields itself like a mighty sword. You have the power to choose. I choose to never return to the place I had existed so rudely by way of a betrayal so harsh and unforgivable, I still three years, five weeks and one day later am unable to escape from the misery.

taylor...

An inexplicable sadness comes over me each and every time I think of you, but with each one of these moments comes an understanding of how I allow myself to be affected by you despite the time that has passed since there was an “Us”. I know that had I truly loved you I would not be writing this letter. I know now, that I never gave you my everything. I knew better…the tragedy is that if I had known what I know now, it would have saved me years of self imposed misery. You were looking for something that doesn’t really exist, a way to not be the old and tragic creature that you have always been. You wanted a person that would cook for you and clean your house because you were tired of doing it yourself. The saddest part is I am the most magical person you have ever known and she knows it too…otherwise why would she care or be jealous? How funny…I trusted you implicitly. I made your life better, more exciting and you know it! What a pity your own inadequacies kept you from being able to appreciate this. You never made me feel the way he did. With him there were never any conditions…just him making me know how marvelous I am. Don’t get me wrong…we had a mad, passionate love affair. It was amazing…at times…absolute, but filled with stipulations and an unhealthy lifestyle, that I understand you are still pedaling the “Recreational” bullshit. Don’t worry when people ask I always tell them that you have always been a junkie…that, my friend will never change. It’s quite sad, really… I wish you well…I actually feel sorry for you and anyone that might find themselves a part of your dark and twisted existence…even her. I don’t care who sees this…put it in the paper for all I care, I just needed to say it. There was a time that I forgot who I am, but that time has passed. I realize now that you were the one for “Right Then”…not “The One”…

MW@MonicaWallach.com

Hey there...sorry I didn't make it over while you were in town. Time just flows from one week to the next these days. I trust you are doing well and your mom the same. Just to let you know I really appreciate all the insight you have provided me through my readings and the emails I receive from you through your website.

I did have a thought the other day. You know Lil is going to have a baby? Yes, in September. When you did my last reading you mentioned there may be someone coming into my life. Until recently, I assumed it would be a significant other for myself. Lil and Matt came to Charleston for a visit and she and I realized that the baby may be the special someone. I cannot imagine anything more wonderful.

So, I will fill my days with happy thoughts of the beauty of a new life coming into mine and know that when the time is right there will be someone for me.

Love you much,

Please contact Monica should you be in need of some direction in your life. I have been through quite allot in the past few years and when I found myself enduring a particularly rough patch she gave me my first reading. I listened intently as she shared information about me and some of the upcoming events that I would experience. The accuracy is uncanny. The preciseness is amazing and I can tell you that almost to the day, her predictions all came true. I promise, that you will believe in astrology forever more...as do I.

Contents of a trunk...

This is the note I sent my friend the day I returned from picking up my personal items from my car...

I almost forgot the most hilarious part of my day! When I got to the salvage yard to get the stuff from my car. I almost died laughing when I started emptying it out. I don't know why I wasn't arrested for the contents alone:
1. Leather gloves
2. Stocking hat, full face
3. Leather jacket
4. Leather pants
5. Stolen chain
6. Stolen lock
7. Bolt cutters
8. Shovel
9. Rope, long enough to hang someone...I only wish I had a noose on the end, it would have too good!
10. Tools
11. Knives
12. Two pair of boots, various sizes that could not be traced to me...
So...what do think? Do you think they thought I was crazy? I certainly hope so...Well, I just got back in from walking five miles! it felt too good, I didn't want to stop after three...I have no aches or pains now. Of course if i bump my hip or broken toe, yikes it smarts! Aside from that I would never know I had been in a near fatal crash. The state trooper should have been more concerned about this shit instead of wasting his time on a couple of Xananys...

crash and burn...

Crashed and burned a few years back...ran off the interstate doing 80, rolled my car two times and wrapped it around a tree. Not one of my better days. I returned a couple of days later to the scene and found a few personal items. As I surveyed the scene I became overwhelmed with emotion for the first time. I couldn't quite make out the skid marks...first they were there, then not, then there...only wider, then not, then the tree and my car landed about ten feet from the tree. I couldn't figure them out until it dawned on me...my car started sliding sideways and when there were no skid marks my car was flying through the air...Talking about something strange...then I find my entire rear windshield about thirty feet from the first place my car hit the ground. It must have shot out of the car when it hit the ground. What really hit me the worse was the thought of the people that witnessed the wreck. I truly felt bad for them...to see such a thing and probably thought I was dead. I have to thank god that I survived such an event. and to think I just climbed or was pulled out of my car and walked away was amazing...The strange thing was, my entire car was crused all around me. The only part of it that wasn't crushed was the drivers seat. The door actually opened and closed. The odd thing is how I began my journey...I had some beads that I had gotten Panama City the summer before and an angel necklace hanging from my rear view mirror. As I was backing out of my drive I ripped the beads off and gently stroked the angel asking her to look after me. I am not a religious person, but have had moments of clarity through the years that have truly allowed me to feel a connection, a spiritual connection. Anyway, I drive off on a journey that would never have a destination...

Drivin' and cryin'

I woke up on this particular Sunday morning and knew it was one of those days I didn't want to be awake. So after my morning walk I medicated, two Ambien and five Xanax in hopes of sleeping through another otherwise miserable day...March 15, 2005. Only problem...I never went to sleep. So I decided to go shopping. I got in my car and immediately ran over one my Dogwood trees... Red flag...? No...I finally made my way to the interstate and headed to Macon about 50 miles away. Still not realizing that I am fucked up. I start crying and can't stop...why can't he love me...how can he let me suffer this way...I am wiping snot off my face...the tears are flowing I am reaching for something to blow my nose...anything to blow my nose. I finally find my sweater. Decide my music is not what I had in mind and while reaching for my XM radio out of the floorboard I run off the I doing 80 start sliding...all I can say is SHIT!!!!! The next thing I know I am hanging upside down in my car and a man says to me are you alright...my response...Yes. I unbuckle, fall on my knees and start crawling out of my car, he pulls me the rest of the way. He says go sit down so I stand up and walk away. As I make my way to a place to sit down I glance over and I don't even recognize my car. Where is it...? what is this pile of crushed metal...? I realize I am sitting on the ground and I don't do that, so I crawl over to what is left of my car and pull a mat out of the trunk. I crawl back over and spread it out. My hip hurts so I rest on my back with my hands over my head and find myself looking up at the clouds. A man comes over to me and asks if there is anyone he can call. I give him Taylor's cell number, but he says he is three hours away and can't do anything. The ambulance arrives and puts me on this board. Tapes my head to it and we drive off to the emergency room. On the ride they start taking blood and asking me questions. We arrive and they bring me into a room. A nurse is posted beside my bed who won't stop asking me questions. I realize now it was to keep me awake in case of a concussion...They take me to x-ray. The tech wants me to stand up and I respectfully decline stating I do not do bare feet in public places so he gets me some slipper socks. Turns out the only thing wrong is a broken toe. They return me to my room. After a while the state trooper comes in and starts questioning me. Apparently I was not driving my best and the witnesses claim many things...including drving erratically, and asleep. They take more blood to send the G.B.I. Crime Lab. I ask him if I look like someone who should have those words in the same sentence spoken to me. He declines to answer and goes through my purse. Taking each item out and asking what each one is. I answer and he eventually comes to my organizer. He goes through it very carefully, then returns it asking if I am no longer with Taylor. I say, No but don't remember saying anything to him. The only thing he didn't ask about were the two condoms I had in there. I had found them under my daughters sink in her bathroom. I figured, hell, if she can have them why can't I, after all there is a chance I may have sex again in this century. Then something very strange happened. As he is returning my license his hand touches my mine and immediately I fall in love with him because he has soft hands. I cannot explain it, I just do. He did say one thing to me..."You don't seem too upset." My reply was, " I am not hurt, there was no other car involved and I have insurance. I prefer to find the positive in most situations, rather than dwelling on the negative." No reply...Eventually, I leave when my friend Ro comes to pick me up. We go by the junk yard to pick up my meds from the car. I sleep kind of late, spend the morning on the phone with the insurance company and the car rental people. I decide to walk. I walked eight miles and never felt achy or sore in any way. Perhaps...perhaps

Lisa loves the little children...

I have been doing the family thing. All my grand children have come to Charleston for a visit and it has been grand! It has been insane and I suppose that is when I am the happiest. No worries and certainly no limitations, just eating, laughing and going crazy...Last night s'mores by the campfire. We all spent the afternoon at Cypress Gardens and the morning downtown. The boys road with me...did I mention they all call me Lisa? Although I did get a surprise from them all...they cuss like sailors. Man oh man...I didn't know what to say. I was actually shocked by their expertise in the field. Their mother would have had a stroke. Finally, I had to insist that they stop for fear they may slip up when they are with someone who is not so understanding! Yikes, I wish them luck! Sunday was nice, just Sunday dinner and the park to let the children and the puppies run. Saturday after the race Lillian and Matt arrived. So glad to see her, haven't in about a month. That is too long. She has the most amazing "baby bump" and looks beautiful! So radiant!! Wonderful to see two young people so in love...She and Matt took me to dinner, we had much fun. Today everyone left for Georgia, but the girls are returning this weekend for some wild and crazy fun...I will be the D. D. and the photographer. Will post the pics later.

I completed the Cooper River Bridge Run 10K on Saturday with my daughter-n-law and I am proud to say that I kicked it up a notch and dropped 23 mins off my time from the previous run. I was so exhausted when I crossed the finish line I wasn't sure if I would orgasm or cry...