artist's statement

Lisa Kight
September 9, 2008


I am Mom to four children, Lisa to six grandchildren, a daughter, a friend, a lover and a college student again after almost thirty years. Photography has given me a most satisfying approach to express myself. I was given my first 35 mm camera in 1986 and have been taking photographs ever since. I do prefer black and white film to color. I received my first digital camera in 2004 and cannot say enough about the convenience as well as the capabilities of the digital format. I would rather capture an image that is not posed. I prefer viewing something or someone in a natural way. My goal at this time is to achieve a better understanding of the entire creative process in hopes of becoming a better photographer.

I once mentioned to someone that I had no artistic ability at all. She replied, “That is not so, you sew don’t you?” With a smile, I said, “Yes.” I hadn’t realized that art is more than just a painting or sculpture. Art is present in so many aspects of our lives…it can be found in the most humble form. Art can be found in a moment in time, not always recognizable to everyone or anyone for that matter, even the person who created it. You need not be an art critic to see the beauty in a work of art.

Until this class I hadn’t considered my photography art. Mr. Edge was kind enough to enlighten me on that matter the first day of class. Who knew…? I have no formal training, just an eye that over the years I feel has enabled me to capture my “moment in time”, if you will. The thing about photography that inspires me is its ability to convey a message without saying a word. “The Kiss” by Klimt is one of my favorite pieces. The detail in the background, the colors in the clothing worn by the man and woman are breathtaking. The idea of the woman giving herself so completely, enthralled and submissive at the same time, is so beautiful. I can only hope to achieve such emotion with my art.

today...

today, I just don't give a fuck! I am in Georgia and have had a nice visit. Yesterday I was in Atlanta for a haircut and to see my son, Ty who turned 30 yesterday. He managed about an hour, but it was great since we haven't had that much time to our self in years. I am on the phone with my daughter who is driving to Atlanta as I am leaving she tells me rather matter of factly that I am a rich person in many ways, just not monetarily, I agree.

My haircut is fantastic! Zapien is a hair god! I spent a weeks salary on the experience, but it is worth it. I look phenomenal...if I do say so myself. Had to switch cars with Jessica for the trip. Mine is a hundred years old and has a couple of hundred thousand miles on it. Anyway, run into Taylor's niece and her daughter. I was looking...me! Had this amazing dress that I bought for almost nothing and my hair rocked even before the Zapien treatment.

I was delighted that it played out that way. Fuck! I am pathetic! Why do I care about that son of a bitch anyway...? Because I do...

Heavy sigh...

I have been blessed by the fact that both of my parents are still alive. For that and every day I have them, I am eternally grateful. For now I am caring for my mother. She is a real pain in the ass! Until today, I have been okay with the situation, but have never embraced it. Today as I guided her down the hall to have an MRI done I just felt sorry for her. I realized that moment that I have been looking at things all wrong. For one she would rather be dead than to need the help of me or anyone for that matter to get around. she no longer drives and feels so helpless at times. I am busy with work and a modest personal life. I realized that instead of dreading her whining, grunting and snoring as she rests in the chair in the living room I should embrace the experience and make the best of the time I have with her. So today I have chosen a new view and decided it is time for us both to be happy. I am truly happy being a good person. I enjoy being nice to people and doing what I can for most anyone. After I finish this I am going to the local college and registering for a couple of classes. I am sure there might be other places I would rather be at this time, but I am not. So in an effort to get happy and find contentment I will be more creative and allow myself to not have limitations...I shall have goals and a more fearless approach to life. Perhaps all I was lacking was myself.

chemically altered.

As anyone that has seen my blog knows I have been through some trying times in the last few years. The fact that despite the time that has passed I am still affected by many of these events. I gave a friend some advice many years ago and until now never realized it applied to me. She lost her daughter to cancer many years ago. Donielle was 19 at the time and her heart. Around the same time she was caring for her daughter while she was ill met a man that seemed to be her salvation, but in reality he was a control freak that until now no one realized what a sick bastard this guy really is. Anyway...she has spent the last few years fucked up...pot and many worse things that I will not share, but I am sure you have a general idea what I am speaking of. So she has never truly dealt with the loss because she has been on some sort of chemical the entire time. My analogy was this...if you broke your arm it would hurt...you could take pain medication to ease the pain, but it would still be broken. She has done the same with the drugs. She says she needs it, that with all she has been through she "needs" it. Bullshit! The reason she will never be able to deal with the loss and the pain is because she has never truly addressed the issue without being chemically altered. I wish she could understand why this is. So enough already about that. I know now that the reason I still pine for that s.o.b. is because of the prescription medication I stayed on for a number of years I never truly dealt with the pain and loss myself. only thought I did...Amazing how easy it is for you to see someone elses solutions but are unable to help yourself.

Blues Man Extraordinaire...

One of the many adventures from 2005 was a trip to New Jersey to see Tommy Castro. He is the most soulful and talented man. His music sends me to a place I have never been before . To see him perform is nothing short of genius. His passion is unmistakable...the music pours from his fingertips and his songs, well they just ROCK!!

I adore his music and always will.

Mutha Fucka please...

Could you be any more luscious! I am sorry, but I think I may print this out and rub it all over my naked body! Don't get nervous. I just don't care...some time you just have to say what the fuck!

Rock on Tommy Castro!

insanity reigns supreme

You know I talk a good game, but in reality my life is not what I'd like it to be. My family are savages and the misery I have to endure can be overwhelming at times. I dont expect you to care...I would do anything to have my old life back. To be honest I lost everything when I was ill. I never said that to anyone. Just forget I said it, okay? I needed to say it to someone. I swear I try so fucking hard to find the good. It is a bit much at times. Too much. Your music takes me to a good place...it has been the one thing that has been there for me through the last few years.



For unloading the emotional baggage. I was so distraught. Imagine
someone coming into your home to get a gun to kill himself. My brother who
has major problems did just that the other night. Confirmation as to why
I dont believe in guns in the home. I came for a visit to see my 70
year old mother in Sept. Just for the weekend...things were so bad I
couldnt leave. I have been gone from here for twenty five years for a
reason. Its awful! I refused to raise my children around this madness...no
longer can I escape such an existance for it is mine. If it werent for
the gym and the few friends that dont partake...my one pleasure in
life is music. What a magical journey! Thanks

Sweet dreams...

I had the most wonderful dream...it was about the baby. She had dark hair and she sang like an angel. Avi Maria...My dad was young and she loved him. She was so tiny...I would swoop her up and she would laugh as I would dance around the room. I woke up so happy.

written word...

I often wonder how a captive person becomes a champion for their captors...Stockholm Syndrome...I was, am this person. No, I was not held captive in a cave or basement. I was not chained some where, but allowed myself to become mentally captive. I never realized this until one afternoon while talking to the nicest woman. I was selling her a fountain pen and I shyly mentioned I was a writer. Her eyes lit up, I then said I was never formerly trained. I had been through some turbulent times and found putting my thoughts to paper had become my outlet, my way of expressing my feelings of rage, fear, love, sadness, misery, passion. Downright amazing the freedom that exists between you and a piece of paper. My life through words is an amazing journey. This was a journey that was not always available to me. It was after my breakdown that the written word became my friend, my ally and my confidant, because I had no one that could possibly know my thoughts...I was too far gone. Hoping to never return to the place I had so hastily left. But somewhere in my journey to hell and back I realized you did not have to return to the place you had left so abruptly. Perhaps it was possible to return to a better place. You, through your mind and immense power that is wields itself like a mighty sword. You have the power to choose. I choose to never return to the place I had existed so rudely by way of a betrayal so harsh and unforgivable, I still three years, five weeks and one day later am unable to escape from the misery.

taylor...

An inexplicable sadness comes over me each and every time I think of you, but with each one of these moments comes an understanding of how I allow myself to be affected by you despite the time that has passed since there was an “Us”. I know that had I truly loved you I would not be writing this letter. I know now, that I never gave you my everything. I knew better…the tragedy is that if I had known what I know now, it would have saved me years of self imposed misery. You were looking for something that doesn’t really exist, a way to not be the old and tragic creature that you have always been. You wanted a person that would cook for you and clean your house because you were tired of doing it yourself. The saddest part is I am the most magical person you have ever known and she knows it too…otherwise why would she care or be jealous? How funny…I trusted you implicitly. I made your life better, more exciting and you know it! What a pity your own inadequacies kept you from being able to appreciate this. You never made me feel the way he did. With him there were never any conditions…just him making me know how marvelous I am. Don’t get me wrong…we had a mad, passionate love affair. It was amazing…at times…absolute, but filled with stipulations and an unhealthy lifestyle, that I understand you are still pedaling the “Recreational” bullshit. Don’t worry when people ask I always tell them that you have always been a junkie…that, my friend will never change. It’s quite sad, really… I wish you well…I actually feel sorry for you and anyone that might find themselves a part of your dark and twisted existence…even her. I don’t care who sees this…put it in the paper for all I care, I just needed to say it. There was a time that I forgot who I am, but that time has passed. I realize now that you were the one for “Right Then”…not “The One”…

MW@MonicaWallach.com

Hey there...sorry I didn't make it over while you were in town. Time just flows from one week to the next these days. I trust you are doing well and your mom the same. Just to let you know I really appreciate all the insight you have provided me through my readings and the emails I receive from you through your website.

I did have a thought the other day. You know Lil is going to have a baby? Yes, in September. When you did my last reading you mentioned there may be someone coming into my life. Until recently, I assumed it would be a significant other for myself. Lil and Matt came to Charleston for a visit and she and I realized that the baby may be the special someone. I cannot imagine anything more wonderful.

So, I will fill my days with happy thoughts of the beauty of a new life coming into mine and know that when the time is right there will be someone for me.

Love you much,

Please contact Monica should you be in need of some direction in your life. I have been through quite allot in the past few years and when I found myself enduring a particularly rough patch she gave me my first reading. I listened intently as she shared information about me and some of the upcoming events that I would experience. The accuracy is uncanny. The preciseness is amazing and I can tell you that almost to the day, her predictions all came true. I promise, that you will believe in astrology forever more...as do I.

Contents of a trunk...

This is the note I sent my friend the day I returned from picking up my personal items from my car...

I almost forgot the most hilarious part of my day! When I got to the salvage yard to get the stuff from my car. I almost died laughing when I started emptying it out. I don't know why I wasn't arrested for the contents alone:
1. Leather gloves
2. Stocking hat, full face
3. Leather jacket
4. Leather pants
5. Stolen chain
6. Stolen lock
7. Bolt cutters
8. Shovel
9. Rope, long enough to hang someone...I only wish I had a noose on the end, it would have too good!
10. Tools
11. Knives
12. Two pair of boots, various sizes that could not be traced to me...
So...what do think? Do you think they thought I was crazy? I certainly hope so...Well, I just got back in from walking five miles! it felt too good, I didn't want to stop after three...I have no aches or pains now. Of course if i bump my hip or broken toe, yikes it smarts! Aside from that I would never know I had been in a near fatal crash. The state trooper should have been more concerned about this shit instead of wasting his time on a couple of Xananys...

crash and burn...

Crashed and burned a few years back...ran off the interstate doing 80, rolled my car two times and wrapped it around a tree. Not one of my better days. I returned a couple of days later to the scene and found a few personal items. As I surveyed the scene I became overwhelmed with emotion for the first time. I couldn't quite make out the skid marks...first they were there, then not, then there...only wider, then not, then the tree and my car landed about ten feet from the tree. I couldn't figure them out until it dawned on me...my car started sliding sideways and when there were no skid marks my car was flying through the air...Talking about something strange...then I find my entire rear windshield about thirty feet from the first place my car hit the ground. It must have shot out of the car when it hit the ground. What really hit me the worse was the thought of the people that witnessed the wreck. I truly felt bad for them...to see such a thing and probably thought I was dead. I have to thank god that I survived such an event. and to think I just climbed or was pulled out of my car and walked away was amazing...The strange thing was, my entire car was crused all around me. The only part of it that wasn't crushed was the drivers seat. The door actually opened and closed. The odd thing is how I began my journey...I had some beads that I had gotten Panama City the summer before and an angel necklace hanging from my rear view mirror. As I was backing out of my drive I ripped the beads off and gently stroked the angel asking her to look after me. I am not a religious person, but have had moments of clarity through the years that have truly allowed me to feel a connection, a spiritual connection. Anyway, I drive off on a journey that would never have a destination...

Drivin' and cryin'

I woke up on this particular Sunday morning and knew it was one of those days I didn't want to be awake. So after my morning walk I medicated, two Ambien and five Xanax in hopes of sleeping through another otherwise miserable day...March 15, 2005. Only problem...I never went to sleep. So I decided to go shopping. I got in my car and immediately ran over one my Dogwood trees... Red flag...? No...I finally made my way to the interstate and headed to Macon about 50 miles away. Still not realizing that I am fucked up. I start crying and can't stop...why can't he love me...how can he let me suffer this way...I am wiping snot off my face...the tears are flowing I am reaching for something to blow my nose...anything to blow my nose. I finally find my sweater. Decide my music is not what I had in mind and while reaching for my XM radio out of the floorboard I run off the I doing 80 start sliding...all I can say is SHIT!!!!! The next thing I know I am hanging upside down in my car and a man says to me are you alright...my response...Yes. I unbuckle, fall on my knees and start crawling out of my car, he pulls me the rest of the way. He says go sit down so I stand up and walk away. As I make my way to a place to sit down I glance over and I don't even recognize my car. Where is it...? what is this pile of crushed metal...? I realize I am sitting on the ground and I don't do that, so I crawl over to what is left of my car and pull a mat out of the trunk. I crawl back over and spread it out. My hip hurts so I rest on my back with my hands over my head and find myself looking up at the clouds. A man comes over to me and asks if there is anyone he can call. I give him Taylor's cell number, but he says he is three hours away and can't do anything. The ambulance arrives and puts me on this board. Tapes my head to it and we drive off to the emergency room. On the ride they start taking blood and asking me questions. We arrive and they bring me into a room. A nurse is posted beside my bed who won't stop asking me questions. I realize now it was to keep me awake in case of a concussion...They take me to x-ray. The tech wants me to stand up and I respectfully decline stating I do not do bare feet in public places so he gets me some slipper socks. Turns out the only thing wrong is a broken toe. They return me to my room. After a while the state trooper comes in and starts questioning me. Apparently I was not driving my best and the witnesses claim many things...including drving erratically, and asleep. They take more blood to send the G.B.I. Crime Lab. I ask him if I look like someone who should have those words in the same sentence spoken to me. He declines to answer and goes through my purse. Taking each item out and asking what each one is. I answer and he eventually comes to my organizer. He goes through it very carefully, then returns it asking if I am no longer with Taylor. I say, No but don't remember saying anything to him. The only thing he didn't ask about were the two condoms I had in there. I had found them under my daughters sink in her bathroom. I figured, hell, if she can have them why can't I, after all there is a chance I may have sex again in this century. Then something very strange happened. As he is returning my license his hand touches my mine and immediately I fall in love with him because he has soft hands. I cannot explain it, I just do. He did say one thing to me..."You don't seem too upset." My reply was, " I am not hurt, there was no other car involved and I have insurance. I prefer to find the positive in most situations, rather than dwelling on the negative." No reply...Eventually, I leave when my friend Ro comes to pick me up. We go by the junk yard to pick up my meds from the car. I sleep kind of late, spend the morning on the phone with the insurance company and the car rental people. I decide to walk. I walked eight miles and never felt achy or sore in any way. Perhaps...perhaps

Lisa loves the little children...

I have been doing the family thing. All my grand children have come to Charleston for a visit and it has been grand! It has been insane and I suppose that is when I am the happiest. No worries and certainly no limitations, just eating, laughing and going crazy...Last night s'mores by the campfire. We all spent the afternoon at Cypress Gardens and the morning downtown. The boys road with me...did I mention they all call me Lisa? Although I did get a surprise from them all...they cuss like sailors. Man oh man...I didn't know what to say. I was actually shocked by their expertise in the field. Their mother would have had a stroke. Finally, I had to insist that they stop for fear they may slip up when they are with someone who is not so understanding! Yikes, I wish them luck! Sunday was nice, just Sunday dinner and the park to let the children and the puppies run. Saturday after the race Lillian and Matt arrived. So glad to see her, haven't in about a month. That is too long. She has the most amazing "baby bump" and looks beautiful! So radiant!! Wonderful to see two young people so in love...She and Matt took me to dinner, we had much fun. Today everyone left for Georgia, but the girls are returning this weekend for some wild and crazy fun...I will be the D. D. and the photographer. Will post the pics later.

I completed the Cooper River Bridge Run 10K on Saturday with my daughter-n-law and I am proud to say that I kicked it up a notch and dropped 23 mins off my time from the previous run. I was so exhausted when I crossed the finish line I wasn't sure if I would orgasm or cry...

the sounds, smells and rhythm of this place negate all normal thought. I am constantly surprised that they are not hearing me. They do not understand that I am not sick that way...I am not anorexic, just too thin and have been missing too many meals. Bleeding heart...

Can a page be filled? Can my page ever truly be full? I once was able to fill the page. My page. What inspires me? Why can't I be some place good? What is it going to take to allow me in the place? Is it a person or is it myself that keeps from finding this place? Does it seem strange that I cannot find a place in my life that can be found.

The Land of Stipulations

Free, free at last...In the land of the living...again. It looks like I will be embracing my imperfections rather than looking upon them with disdain. slept through group. It was a good rest. Today will be better. Slept a bit last night now what could get me out of here and home...To be happy and gone or is it not be too sad. Where is everyone? Is life fair? Can there be an absolute? Where is it? Is this something that can truly be obtained? Or is it something that must be found. Or a state of mind? I don't have the answers. Will I ever? That is what I want to know...Melancholy baby

My life is a country and western song!

My husband left me, my dog got run over by a car, my house burned down and someone called me grandma the other day. All sad but true...

Lips...lips that consume you...

I am being wooed by a golden god...actually, a mere mortal in an Adonis like body. He is insensitive, beautiful, intense, driven, but makes me laugh and gives quite possibly the most incredible kisses on the planet. All of the other things pale by comparison. I believe in a great kiss. His soft, passionate kisses are amazing. The first time he kissed me goodnight I almost swooned. I was unable to speak and had quite a difficult time saying goodnight. God bless a man that knows the power of a great kiss. Long, hot, wet kisses...Damn!

My only vice...

I am considering this for the cover for my book.

I really like the way my feet look in this shot. I am pretty sure this will be the cover for my book...maybe not if it's too expensive. Perhaps just something for my own pleasure. It encapsulates all that is me...well at least some of me! I find that some of my most inpromtu shots end up being my favorites. I am sure I was having another sleepless night, finding my camera and my creative juices flowing at the same time it all seemed so logical. I gave a copy to my mom and she digs it. Although when most people run across it, they find it odd and wonder what it is of...how silly they must find my wicked sense of humor. All the more reason why I love being me!

A rose by any other name...is Bernadette

My mother is a cancer survivor...she was extremely ill and we really didn't expect her to make it so anything she wanted was okay with us...So when she expressed a wish to be called Rose instead of Bernadette it seemed like a reasonable request...as of that moment she became known as Rose. This particular rose is one that my son gave me the night he graduated from high school. It was a beautiful rose and stayed that way for some time. Each day I would rise with the scent of this rose wafting through my bedroom, my eyes would find this rose, I would smile and know I am lucky to have my mom. She is a pain in butt and quite dramatic...a challenge that requires so much of me that I sometimes forget that we are lucky to still have her...instead of cursing and wishing she would stop being such a brat! So the next time you see a beautiful rose...think of your mother and how nice it is to have had her in your life. I think I will go buy her one of her favorite salads, sit with her and watch one of those terrible shows that she loves and if only for a moment know I have her all to myself .

Waiting for a plane Vegas style...

Not one of my prouder moments...I am stretched out waiting to board my flight leaving Vegas last April. It was was an amazing trip and at the same time a very painful experience. I like many before me had done a little drinking and it turned out to be a life lesson. I had met my pal from New Mexico in Vegas. She is the most amazing person I have ever met. She and I became friends after meeting a New Years Eve in Santa Fe many years ago. I had some luck at the slots the previous October so the Grand likes me now and offers me suites, food and money to gamble. Anyway, Carol and I had gone to see my friend Tommy Castro perform at one of the local casinos and apparently I had developed a taste for Patron Tequila...I am not a drinker by trade and with the help of the bartender who had been serving doubles instead of single shots kicked my ass. One minute I am talking to Tommy, saying my goodbyes and the next I am unconscious, requiring an ambulance and from what I hear a stomach pump. How humiliated I was as I crossed the lobby of the Grand in paper clothes and slipper socks. It was suffering that no one should ever know. So we get to the room and don't have a key. I call the lobby and ask security to let me in. They arrive and I am sprawled out in the hallway. As the women unlocks the doors I crawl in on my hands and knees. Man what a kick in the pants that was. I had given up booze about twenty years before. Then for some odd reason thought it sounded like a good idea again. So after trying it again after twenty years I realized that I am not a drinker and thank goodness I was with someone who cared because I am pretty sure I would not have made it through the night without intervention. The next afternoon we are at the airport and her flight leaves earlier than mine so I wait...suffering in silence until I can check my bags and make my way to the gate to head home a whipped puppy and ashamed at my lack of ability to control my actions and my consumption of the dreaded tequila! Looks like it will be another half a century before I try something like that again. Make that a century! Anyway, I arrive safely and proceed to share my tale with the fam...After a couple of days a friend of a friend is hearing the tale and he says, "Wait I have heard this...". The response is no, this was Lisa Jo in Vegas. The friend repeats the tale with great accuracy. The horror of it all is the "What happens in Vegas, apparently does not stay in Vegas!" Seems like some old friends traveling from California were staying at the Grand and heard the story around the hotel. How proud I am of this...NOT! What a nightmare! It sealed my fate and my conviction that I shall never drink again. Actually, never really enjoyed the ceremony of it all, so I shall save that for the more tolerant folks and resort to humor and a great meal to satisfy my soul...

Lil...

Have I mentioned that I am about to become a grandmother for the sixth time? Yes, this is my beauty Lillian. She is still surviving the morning sickness and all that goes with that aspect of pregnancy. This picture was I think her junior year in high school. She is completely annoyed with the fact that she was the subject for yet another picture I was taking. She and I had some rather turbulent times through her teenage years, but couldn't be more close now. The first moment our eyes met the afternoon she was born, it was apparent we had a connection I hadn't experienced with any of my other children. She has always been a logical child. Even as a toddler she was always sure of what she wanted to be when she grew up...a maid or a gas station attendant. How hilarious! My Lillian...my beauty Lillian. I'll call her today and ask if despite it all has she remained true to her original plan to grow up and become one of the two.

Semper Fi

Here I am with my sons, all of whom are Marines. I have spent many restless nights and days worrying about their safety and through it all I have remained clear on one thing. That is, that you must support your children in whatever positive avenues they chose in life. The amazing thing about the Marine Corps is the unmistakable transformation that each and everyone of them go through from the moment they decide to join the service until the day they graduate basic training. You see your sons who will always and forever be your children, but after the training they emerge these strong, willful individuals you hardly recognize. They are no longer your little boys that have spent endless nights playing ball, laughing, having fun with their familly and friends, trying to beat the next level of whatever video game they are challenging or waiting for you to come rub their backs while saying their prayers, give them a kiss good night...tell them you love them for the last time of the day and as you leave their room you look back and smile, turn off the light and to yourself you say a prayer to keep them safe. They no longer answer with long annoyed tones, "Mam"...they are tall and intense...they are strong and confident...they are men. They come to you with smiles you have seen thousands of times, but with a new strength...a new brand of character. They are Marines. I promise you will never be prepared for this transformation, but at the same time could not be more proud. With watery eyes you look on as they march across the parade deck with a sureness that you have never seen before and you know from that moment their world has changed, they will never be the silly little boys that on some level you wish they would stay so you can protect them. You know they are about to embark on a new world filled with many things, peril comes to mind. You only want the best for your children, you always have, but you know it is time for them to shine...all you can do as a parent is know they love you and let them go. I do not agree with this war...I have been told by friends this is not a war, but I know in my heart with each life that is lost...with each moment of suffering this is a war and there is no turning back. Please say a prayer for my sons and for every man and women who is serving their country in the way they see fit.

My regards...

the sun also sets

For what seems like forever I have dug sunsets. I mean how can you possibly improve on such beauty. I call it the sun's love dance. Each afternoon I would be doing my afternoon walk and as the sky would "go pink" I would jump in my car and drive to this amazing location to watch the sunset. Always amazed at how the people that would pass me day after day not at least wonder why or for what I was doing there. Their only concern would be to get a few more holes on the course or to make it to Walmart before dinner. Never even giving notice to the beauty that was being played out for me each night. I cannot express to you the place that each and every night I would be transported to by just being privey(sp) to such a wonderment...

Is suicide truly painless...?

The night I decided to commit suicide was just another Tuesday. I had called Taylor and his phone was off. I knew this meant one thing. He was with someone else. I had struggled with depression and sadness since my breakdown and the isolation of my self imposed hell...make that pretty hell was taking it's toll on me. I sat on my couch writing madly about any and everything that came to mind. It is amazing the thoughts that cross your mind when you are completely out of control. When you have not eaten in weeks and your only subsistence is provided through beer and Xanax. Seems that I had been on that plan for weeks. I had been in the home and my condition only worsened after my release. I couldn't escape the sadness, the heartache and misery of my very being was more than I could stand. So I concocted a plan. I would kill myself! I almost cheered at such a wonderful solution to this misery. I would consume all the mood altering medication I had and soon I would drift off and never be this miserable again. I was delighted as I rushed to my bedroom to get the drugs. Then off to the kitchen for an ice cold beer. It was the perfect plan. I would take the drugs in small handfuls as not to make myself puke. I took handful after handful until they were all gone. Then I perched myself on the couch for the countdown and of course to write my suicide note. It only consisted of one thing. What I wanted to be buried in...my brown Mongolian wool coat, my brown boots and my sunglasses. The drugs kicked in much sooner than I thought which was okay. I found myself in my room and decided that I needed my fountain pen I had left in the living room. As I passed the piano I remember falling and busting my ass. I guess the sock feet were not my most sensible choice. I got up and trudged on. The next thing I know it is three days later and I wake up freezing cold, on the floor in my bedroom curled around the leg of my bed naked. I remember the pain, it was hideous. I couldn't move from the pain and the stiffness of my ice cold body. I finally got the courage to pull myself up by my comforter and climbed under the covers. I was in such pain and all I could think of was how disappointed I was to still be alive. It was the most perfect plan and I was pissed! Then all of the sudden I look across the room and there on the bookshelf was my Angel. I had found it in the middle of my living room the day I returned home from the hospital. I couldn't understand what it was doing there all that time after Christmas, but it was there. So I took it into my bedroom and put it on the shelf while saying a little prayer for her to look after me. That moment I knew that I was destined for greater things. The shame of what I had done started to sink in and all I could do was cry. I thought of my children. Who might have found me. My parents that were still alive. Think about the loss of a child and think of how it would affect me if it were one of my children. I was overcome with such emotion that I was unable to stop the sobbing for quite some time. Eventually, I just stopped and thanked God for keeping me alive and apologized for what I had done. After a while I realized I had to use the bathroom and was unsure how I would get there since I was sure my leg was broken. I called Taylor and begged him to come take me to hospital, I told him my leg was broken and I couldn't walk. He just said he couldn't and I eventually hung up. I was still really fucked up so all my thoughts and movements were slow and painful. I finally decided that I would have to crawl on my hands and knees and that is what I did. After that I crawled back to my bed, but as I was pulling myself up I caught a glimpse of my kitchen. It was a scene of such mass destruction, I was in shock. All I could see was broken glass, dishes everywhere. Food...drugs all over my house. It was unnerving to say the least. Apparently, I didn't pass out as quickly as I had remembered. I tried to make my way through the kitchen to the refridgerator and stove, but without crushing broken glass into my hard wood floors there was no place I could step. I just remember surveying the scene and was horrified. I couldn't imagine what I had been thinking or for that matter what I had done. It was terrible...

Martyrdom...

For the past three years I have been wallowing in self pity. I have played the victim...martyrdom has been my home. Only today have I come to realize that I, alone am to blame. Yes, he did fuck me over. He did me wrong, but I ran him off. My actions sealed my fate. I am a hypocrite. I do not practice what I preach. I spend my life professing that I refuse to hold back. That I give my all, but I didn't. I was unable to do just that. I knew better. I knew that had I given my all I would have been lost forever. Despite my weary heart weeping openly for the loss of the love of my life. It has been my refusal to take responsibility for this turn of events that has me so fucked up that I now realize I don't miss him. I miss the niceties that came along with him. A self proclaimed Southern gentleman. Yes, a facade...old money, but a tragic creature that despite the time that has passed since there was an "Us"...I yearn for him in ways you couldn't imagine. I have to admit that I am jealous of the person who lives a life that was once mine. A life that I shared with a man I claimed to love so passionately that I tried to take my own life, because the thought of spending the rest of my life without him was not an option.

me

Ernest T Bass on Crack!

Ah yes...where was I. Oh yes... The week following our "break" I gradually got worse and worse. On the Tuesday following Taylor and I had this terrible fight, because he finally confessed that he had stayed at his niece's that weekend because he was feeling too "Married". I , of course being the vent person that I was at the time exploded with a five minute tyrade and finished the phone call with my hanging up and refusing to speak to him for days. On that Thursday I arrived at his store with a mirror I had finished painting for the redo on his jewlery store. I had spent countless hours having this amazing Harley poster I had saved for years framed, old things reframed, picking out the new flooring, the light fixture and the rug that would transform the once tacky and garish jewelry store into a place of style and taste. I came in and spent some time just sitting there as he and Michael the thieving bastard that embezzled tens of thousands of dollars from him finished the end of business. Of course, no one knew this at the time. Anyway, I give him the mirror, they hang it on the wall and it completes the the room just as I hoped it would. As I am leaving I see the reflection of Taylor and him wispering and I couldn't get past this. I mean in only a few days...how could he have secrets from me in just a few days. I left that night and headed home, but decided that I had to see him so I drove to his farm. I sat out front so nervous of what I would find that I just couldn't take it anymore. So I took a couple of xanaxs to relax myself. I finally got the nerve to ask him to come let me in, which he did reluctantly. When I got to his house and came in he was terribly mean to me. He was furious that I was there and my condition infuriated him. I got off the couch and headed to the kitchen because I was hungry. He asked me where I was going then told me I couldn't have anything to eat. I returned to the couch where I started to cry and eventually fell asleep. Early the next morning I woke up and went to pee. He woke up and I climbed into his bed. He held me so tightly...he asked me to stay, but I knew I had to go to work. I left a while later and was leaving when I remembered he had the warranty information for the camera he had bought me for Christmas. I knew this was a nice camera, but I was concerned about making my mortgage and had considered returning it to cover the expense. So I jumped out of my car and ran over to get it out of his truck. I didn't ask him, because I wasn't sure if he would give it to me. According to him, he saw me and at that moment lost all respect for me. Please bitch. You never had respect for me or anyone for that matter, least of all yourself. I tried to call him several times that morning on into the afternoon. He never answered. I finally got his dad and he had said he left around nine that morning. I went to his store that afternoon and he told he had lunch with friends. That I am afraid was the moment that I started my out of control period. I had so little control of myself that I had no idea what I would do. I actually feared for my life, but was unable to control anything about my actions. The first thing I did was go to his house in the middle of the night. I couldn't go in because the gate was locked. I returned the following night with a bolt cutter and cut the lock off. I drove onto his property that morning and sat in my car looking at his house until daylight...when I left and tried to go home and sleep. After and hour or so, I was back in my car and called him to say I am coming over. I guess that is when he discovered the lock and chain missing from his gate. I never admitted to taking it off and throwing into the woods. I arrived with only one thing in mind getting into his house and checking the caller id to see who he had been talking to. I approached him as I got out of my car and noticed his pistol on the porch beside him. When I asked him about it, he said that I had told people that I wanted to kill him. Which is total horseshit. I never even wanted to hurt him. The only thing I wanted from him was his love. Finally after a few minutes, I said I have to pee and ran up the steps and through the kitchen and on to the bathroom with his phone. I had stashed a paper in pen in my coat. That morning there were many girls numbers on the phone I wrote each one down with their names. I never dreamt that one of them would be the one he would forsake me for and eventually marry. After that morning I tried anything to sleep. I ate five or six xanaxs, nothing. I cannot tell you how unnerving the entire time was for me. I had never experienced such an out of control period in my life. Then came the following Monday, Valentine's Day. Taylor had relunctantly said we could spend it together. So I went to the mall to purchase some pretties and to wear for him. I took his stuff to him that day and while dropping it off I saw two cigarette butts in a planter on his deck. That sight is what sent me off the deep end. I knew no man would ever do such a thing and that only a woman would be so crude. I started walking to my car, but never made it. Before I knew it I had picked up a rock and thrown in through the screen on his porch. The next thing I know I go over to the two small trees that had just been planted and ripped them out of the ground. I popped my trunk and threw them in. As I was going around my car I spotted the Gardenia bush, it was huge and I had always loved it. I drove over with my car grabbed the shovel out of my trunk and dug it up. I hoisted it out of the ground and threw it into my truck and drove off. I went straight to the dump and threw them all in the pile with all the other stuff they burn and went home. I spent the afternoon getting ready and kept trying to call Taylor, but for some reason my phone wouldn't work. Finally, go to a pay phone and call him. He tells me he cancelled my phone because of what I had done. He askes me about the plants and I lie, of course. I beg him and he says, "Why don't we do a raincheck?". I say, "There are no rainchecks for Valentine's day". I go home so crushed and devastated that I never slept a wink. I get up for work and arrive early, but am so paralyzed with grief that I am unable to function. I cannot even take a piece of paper from my inbox. I know I must get some help, so I start calling people. Anyone to help me. I finally get Suzy, she is nice and says,why don't you come down and talk to me for a while and perhaps you might need to stay for a few days, just to get you feeling better. So I just leave my office and head home to pack. I arrive at the hospital and am greeted by this nice lady who brings me to her office and we start talking. The next thing I know she is taking my picture and bringing me some lunch. I ask her if I can leave if I dont' like it and she says yes...so I agree and sign that paper. She tells me I should have been there months ago. she had been doing intake for like twenty years and has never seen someone so far off the charts in all this time. She says that had I come into the emergency room she would have put me in I.C.U. I laugh and say I am a functioning member of society and she very painly states that I was not functioning, I was existing. It was a moment I shall never forget.

The beginning of the end...

It is difficult to imagine a year in my life that being admitted and held against my will in a mental hospital not being the worse thing that happened to me, but it is true.

Not the most proud moment of my life, but a defining moment non the less.

There are a couple of definitions I would like to share...

Control Freak-is a derogatory term for a person who attempts to dictate how everything around them is done. It can also refer to someone with a limited number of things that they want done a specific way; "Control Freaks" are people who care more than you do about something and won't stop at being pushy to get their way

Inferiority complex-a strong and persistent feeling of inferiority;

great lack of self-confidence.

Control Freak with a Massive Inferiority Complex-

Edward Taylor Harpe

Bi-Polar Disorder-Bipolar disorder is not a single disorder, but a category of mood disorders defined by the presence of one or more episodes of abnormally elevated mood, clinically referred to as mania. Individuals who experience manic episodes also commonly experience depressive episodes or symptoms, or mixed episodes which present with features of both mania and depression. These episodes are normally separated by periods of normal mood, but in some patients, depression and mania may rapidly alternate, known as rapid cycling. The disorder has been subdivided into bipolar I, bipolar II and cyclothymia based on the type and severity of mood episodes experienced.

2005 was a year that I experienced so much personal loss that I fear I may never recover fully.

There was a brief period of time that left me with so little control of myself and actions that I feared for my life. It all began around November of 2004 and my daughter came home to share some wonderful news with me. She had asked me into the living room to discuss this great news. Silly me, I thought that perhaps she had made an A on a text. Unfortunately for me that wasnt it at all. The news was she had decided to move in with her father, but was waiting for the weekend. My initial response was to call her an ungrateful brat. She responded with, I am sorry, I am selfish...I want things, things that you cannot give me. I knew immediately that this change would ruin me financially. I called Taylor and I cried to him and shared what this move meant to me personally and financially. You see my ex-husband had started a very succesful business and was quite well off. I, on the other hand lived paycheck to paycheck and I am sure there were times I wasn't able to provide our daughter with some of the perks that go along with being financially secure. Taylor had been urging me to move into his house for some time, but I resisted because Lilly had no desire to live in his house and I simply couldn't move my daughter in a house that she didn't feel welcome. It was her senior year in high school and I didn't want to disrupt her life with such a move. The plan was when she graduated, Iwould move to his home. I would no longer have the mortgage and I would be able to spend my time with the man I loved. Unfortunately the stress and hurt of this decision on Lilly's part took it's toll on me. But more importantly was the affect being in a relationship with this man I loved was taking on me. There were many aspects of our life that held deep, dark secrets that I never shared with anyone. Our life had taken a disturbing turn some time ago by allowing many nasty habits to filter in to our time we spent together. I do not feel comfortable enough to list them at this time as my children would be too devasted to learn these secrets. I would be too ashamed for this to be common knowledge. Perhaps a little later I will share details. Anyway, my heartach and stress took its toll on me until the infamous day of December 6, 2004, when Taylor and I had this major argument over the phone. It had been one of our long weekends that we traveled and partied like the big dogs that we were. I, of course had to rise and be at my job at 8 a.m. Monday morning while Taylor slept if off for several days or resorted to the easing his pain with Methadone that he would barter or buy from the loosers that worked for him or their friends that would stop by during the business day at his jewelry shop. Taylor had been a junkie since the seventies. While in college he dealt cocaine on such a level, he claims that he sold all the coke the city of Athens, GA could buy. Anyway, onward...to me. I knew it was over that day, but some how that thought slipped away as I was dealing with the fact that my income had just dropped by fifty percent and Christmas was coming and I wondered how I would make the mortgage and pay my electricity and phone. Forget about buying Christmas for my family. It was devastating...you have no idea. We managed to make it through Christmas and Taylor and I spent New Years on a trip to Memphis. On the weekend of Jan 20 or 21 we had a major ice storm and Taylor held up at his niece's house sleeping on a couch rather than coming to my house since his home had lost power for some time. We had plans to go see some Blues that following Monday so I just said we will put all this bullshit to the side and I am not missing the show. We made the trip the Atlanta for the show and then home. After we arrived home he had mentioned sex but it was three a.m. and I had to be at work at 8.a.m so I passed. Had I know it would the last time we would have sex, I certainly would have done it and probably called in sick. I had no idea it was the end. The end of us. The following weekend he finally got the balls up to tell me wanted a break. I assumed the break was to think a bit, but it was the end. The saddest part was how it affected me. In truth he had already moved on . He had been getting girls numbers for some time and been planning on ending our over five year relationship for some time. During this time, he would really bust my ass about the most rediculous things. I see you looking at that guy. Why don't you talk to him a little more. It was all part of his Psyche 101 glass that involved taking the emphasis off him and his actions by putting me on the defensive. In looking back I still feel such hurt that I cannot escape the sadness even now.

I have been to hell and it ain't pretty!

I am of course, referencing my stay in the "home for the terminally strange". Seems as though I was fighting a loosing battle to take myself off some prescription drugs. Withdrawal is a bitch! Who knew that you could get yourself in such a state from taking medication exactly as prescribed. I was fortunate enough to have a "friend" that was brutally honest and insensitive enough to give it to me straight. He said I was killing myself and he didn't have the time or inclination to watch. He was too busy and "Had not signed on for this." So with a heavy heart I go to my doctor and get her recommendation for taking myself off all medication...yeah right!!!!!!!!! I hadn't slept for about six weeks and just couldn't take it any more. So I asked for some help. I got it alright. Fuck me! That was the most miserable time of my life and I have delivered four children naturally! The chills...the sweating...let's not forget the nausea and vomiting. Yes, I did ask...as a matter of fact beg anything to ease my suffering...all I got was a shot in the ass that hurt, but would allow me to sleep for a couple of hours. After a few days I was no longer doing the vomiting thing and was able to keep a little food down. I looked like shit and felt worse. I lost down to 116 and am proud to say that I am now up to 123. I imagine most people's reaction to my desire to gain weight will be not appreciating my take on this matter, but they are entitled to their opinion. I am proud to say without question that at no time since my decision to no longer live my life in a chemically altered state have I resorted to taking any of the medication that I still have. There have been times as I was drifting off to sleep that I had such horrific panic attacks that I thought I would scratch my face off. I am no longer experiencing them. Thank you Jesus...thank you Lord! As tempting as the thought of gobbling down a xanax to ease this misery was, I never did. I refuse to ever go back to that dark and mysterious place. After the realization sunk in that I was living my life in a way that I could not live with it forced me to examine my life and think about how I felt and I realized that I spent my days numbed. I had no emotion. I hadn't raised my voice in over a year...never felt the passion or sadness, the highs and the lows that you are supposed to experience on a daily basis. I thought I was doing all of this in hopes of having a man that was my "friend" love me again, but I was wrong. I did it for me, no one else. Today, for the first time since I started the trip to hell, I am going back to the gym and getting "on" again. I am in training for the Cooper River Bridge Run. I have been doing it for a couple of years with my uncle who is in his late 70's. He kicks my ass every year, I am sure this year will be no different. He bowls three days a week and works out the rest. He is amazing! so I am off to feel the burn and get myself back to a place I can be proud of. Later

Sunday Dinner at Bennie's...

Goose Creek, SC ... 1 o'clock every Sunday without fail. Great food, interesting conversation and a light...make that healthy portion of crazy. The Zigzag boys are usually in rare form and the laughter flows out of the kitchen for most of the day. Broken up by a few curse words from the most excellent cook Linc. He has prepared food for the governor of South Carolina. So, if you are ever in the area please stop by for some great food and conversation that will make you appreciate your family in an entirely different way. Everyone is always welcome. Today's menu is as follows...Roast Pork Loin, Scalloped potatoes w/ham, harvard beets, turnip greens, canned corn, tossed salad, banana pudding, topped off by some of Patty's home made biscuits...so good that you will slap your momma and call your daddy a fool! Oh yes, lemonade and some good ole, sweet iced tea. See ya there...!

Hi...it's me.

I think there is something I should say. I realize most of my rantings sound a bit unhinged, that is just me. Know in my black, little heart I am good person who believes in Karma. so I wonder why I should have such bullshit in my life. I have tried to keep the negative out of my life I only wish I had the opportunity to lobotomize myself to avoid the recurring thoughts of a place no longer wish to be. I believe that kissing is the most important thing...sex...well sex is good, don't get me wrong, but in the words of someone I knew in a former life...once you get past the penis and vagina thing. A great kiss will take you places you've never been. Long, hot, wet, suck me kisses. That is my passion...how can you improve on that I ask you...? How can you improve on a great kiss? You can't! There was a man I once loved his name was Edward Taylor Harpe. He is a control freak with a massive inferiority complex. He destroyed me and left me for a person half his age.

Welcome to Lisa's ride on the manic highway!

On the recomendation of a friend I have created this blog hoping that putting my thoughts down will help me mend my broken heart. I am a lunatic. I know it, the people in my life know it and frankly my dear I don't give a damn if the entire world knows it. It is just who I am and I am okay with this information. I am a passionate person who loves easily and have been accused of morphing into the person I am with at the time. What the hell, I believe in not holding back. I refuse to live my life for someone else or to do things on anything other than my terms. You know...why hold back. If I give my all ,I will have no regrets. I do not wish to be the person who says if only I had given more...So if it is amazing for two days that is okay, because I know I gave my all and if it last longer I will know I did the right thing. I refuse to go gently into that good night...