It is difficult to imagine a year in my life that being admitted and held against my will in a mental hospital not being the worse thing that happened to me, but it is true.
Not the most proud moment of my life, but a defining moment non the less.
There are a couple of definitions I would like to share...
Control Freak-is a derogatory term for a person who attempts to dictate how everything around them is done. It can also refer to someone with a limited number of things that they want done a specific way; "Control Freaks" are people who care more than you do about something and won't stop at being pushy to get their way
Inferiority complex-a strong and persistent feeling of inferiority;
great lack of self-confidence.
Control Freak with a Massive Inferiority Complex-
Edward Taylor Harpe
Bi-Polar Disorder-Bipolar disorder is not a single disorder, but a category of mood disorders defined by the presence of one or more episodes of abnormally elevated mood, clinically referred to as mania. Individuals who experience manic episodes also commonly experience depressive episodes or symptoms, or mixed episodes which present with features of both mania and depression. These episodes are normally separated by periods of normal mood, but in some patients, depression and mania may rapidly alternate, known as rapid cycling. The disorder has been subdivided into bipolar I, bipolar II and cyclothymia based on the type and severity of mood episodes experienced.
2005 was a year that I experienced so much personal loss that I fear I may never recover fully.
There was a brief period of time that left me with so little control of myself and actions that I feared for my life. It all began around November of 2004 and my daughter came home to share some wonderful news with me. She had asked me into the living room to discuss this great news. Silly me, I thought that perhaps she had made an A on a text. Unfortunately for me that wasnt it at all. The news was she had decided to move in with her father, but was waiting for the weekend. My initial response was to call her an ungrateful brat. She responded with, I am sorry, I am selfish...I want things, things that you cannot give me. I knew immediately that this change would ruin me financially. I called Taylor and I cried to him and shared what this move meant to me personally and financially. You see my ex-husband had started a very succesful business and was quite well off. I, on the other hand lived paycheck to paycheck and I am sure there were times I wasn't able to provide our daughter with some of the perks that go along with being financially secure. Taylor had been urging me to move into his house for some time, but I resisted because Lilly had no desire to live in his house and I simply couldn't move my daughter in a house that she didn't feel welcome. It was her senior year in high school and I didn't want to disrupt her life with such a move. The plan was when she graduated, Iwould move to his home. I would no longer have the mortgage and I would be able to spend my time with the man I loved. Unfortunately the stress and hurt of this decision on Lilly's part took it's toll on me. But more importantly was the affect being in a relationship with this man I loved was taking on me. There were many aspects of our life that held deep, dark secrets that I never shared with anyone. Our life had taken a disturbing turn some time ago by allowing many nasty habits to filter in to our time we spent together. I do not feel comfortable enough to list them at this time as my children would be too devasted to learn these secrets. I would be too ashamed for this to be common knowledge. Perhaps a little later I will share details. Anyway, my heartach and stress took its toll on me until the infamous day of December 6, 2004, when Taylor and I had this major argument over the phone. It had been one of our long weekends that we traveled and partied like the big dogs that we were. I, of course had to rise and be at my job at 8 a.m. Monday morning while Taylor slept if off for several days or resorted to the easing his pain with Methadone that he would barter or buy from the loosers that worked for him or their friends that would stop by during the business day at his jewelry shop. Taylor had been a junkie since the seventies. While in college he dealt cocaine on such a level, he claims that he sold all the coke the city of Athens, GA could buy. Anyway, onward...to me. I knew it was over that day, but some how that thought slipped away as I was dealing with the fact that my income had just dropped by fifty percent and Christmas was coming and I wondered how I would make the mortgage and pay my electricity and phone. Forget about buying Christmas for my family. It was devastating...you have no idea. We managed to make it through Christmas and Taylor and I spent New Years on a trip to Memphis. On the weekend of Jan 20 or 21 we had a major ice storm and Taylor held up at his niece's house sleeping on a couch rather than coming to my house since his home had lost power for some time. We had plans to go see some Blues that following Monday so I just said we will put all this bullshit to the side and I am not missing the show. We made the trip the Atlanta for the show and then home. After we arrived home he had mentioned sex but it was three a.m. and I had to be at work at 8.a.m so I passed. Had I know it would the last time we would have sex, I certainly would have done it and probably called in sick. I had no idea it was the end. The end of us. The following weekend he finally got the balls up to tell me wanted a break. I assumed the break was to think a bit, but it was the end. The saddest part was how it affected me. In truth he had already moved on . He had been getting girls numbers for some time and been planning on ending our over five year relationship for some time. During this time, he would really bust my ass about the most rediculous things. I see you looking at that guy. Why don't you talk to him a little more. It was all part of his Psyche 101 glass that involved taking the emphasis off him and his actions by putting me on the defensive. In looking back I still feel such hurt that I cannot escape the sadness even now.
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